1. A big house.
Everyone knows that the bigger your house the more happy you’ll be. What easier way to let those around you know that you are a successful and cool person? Whenever anyone comes over to visit, they will ooh and ahh at your expansive living room, multiple guest rooms, and the kids will love the pool out back. Simply take out a 30-year mortgage, and don’t mind adding an extra hour to your commute. It will definitely be worth it once you have that three car garage.
2. The most fashionable clothes.
First impressions are important. Unless you are draped in the newest, trendiest fashion, other people will think you are a failure. One little known fact is that humans are attracted to other humans with expensive clothes, even if they’re jerks. So essentially buying the best clothes will automatically make people love you, while also allowing you to treat other people terribly.
3. A luxury car (or cars if you want to be extra happy).
Ok, you bought your huge house in the suburbs. Now since your commute is longer, you’re going to want a comfortable car to drive in. Consider a new Ford F-150! This vehicle will make you feel like you’re sitting in a La-Z-Boy, you won’t feel a single bump in the road. You will also never have to use your creativity in order to move things, just throw it in the bed of your luxury truck! As a bonus, it gets city MPG in the high teens!
If a truck isn’t your style, maybe you want to opt for a Mercedes Benz coupe. You deserve a 241 horsepower engine to move your less-than-200-pound body around. Think about it, it’s kind of like being a king in the old days whose carriage is pulled by 241 horses! This excessive power will signal to those around you that you are modern royalty. There was actually a scientific study done that reported that horsepower directly correlates with happiness. If you need to take out a loan, don’t hesitate. You can’t compromise when it comes to your vehicle.
Or why not both? And if you have enough available credit, maybe get a third vehicle? Why have a three car garage if you’re not going to have three cars?!
4. Restaurant meals.
Happiness comes from not doing work. This is why we love to go out to eat, so someone does the work for us. Having your food prepared and hand delivered to you, and then not having to do the dishes activates the part of our brain that tells us that we are super cool. I personally spend a lot of my time cooking, and it is a large source of unhappiness for me. Whenever I make food for my friends and family, they tell me how useless of a skill it is, and that I should have taken them to a restaurant. Restaurants are also known for serving the most healthy food, so you will know that you’re getting the most value for your money.
So next time you see someone who seems to be happy, just know that they probably have a gigantic house, multiple luxury cars, a walk-in closet full of brand new clothes, and they have not touched a dish towel in years.
Oh, and April Fools. #MoneyGoals